Lila slid into the backseat of her parents' car after her big basketball game. She was buzzing with pride—triple doubles, a new free throw record, and a victory for the second year running. Her jersey clung to her sweaty skin, but she hardly noticed.
“You did good, kid,” her dad said from the driver’s seat. “Now, what could you have done better?”
Her heart sank. Maybe her “good job” wasn’t so good after all. She shrugged, unsure now. Her dad didn’t miss a beat. “I’m not trying to be hard on you, Pumpkin. I just want you to be your best. No one’s perfect—everyone can always do better.”
Years later, Lila married a man she believed to be refreshingly supportive. He praised her career success, proudly bragging about her accomplishments. Yet his teasing chipped away at her confidence.
When she wore black, he’d ask, “Going to a funeral?”
When she cooked, he’d joke, “Think I’ll get food poisoning this time?”
When she decorated the house for Christmas, he’d laugh, “Hope there’s money left for gifts.”
If she pushed back, he'd say she was “too sensitive.” Her mother was no help. She'd point out how he's so sweet to brag about her endlessly to his friends. So Lila learned to second-guess herself, to make fewer decisions on her own, to make herself smaller. Each joke, each comment, felt like a reminder: Maybe she wasn’t quite good enough.
Let's talk about chronically invalidating relationships....
Invalidation occurs when our perceptions, needs, or experiences are ignored, dismissed, minimized, or challenged in a way that is hurtful or unhelpful. Everyone has experienced or engaged in invalidation at some point, whether intentional or not. However, chronic invalidation is a persistent pattern in a relationship where invalidation happens regularly. This can range from extreme responses, such as being yelled at for a simple mistake, to subtle cues like disapproving looks that leave you feeling compelled to over-explain basic decisions.
Withholding validation isn't always bad. As a pro-social act, it can be used to express disapproval or discourage actions or beliefs that are genuinely harmful. When someone holds a viewpoint that could harm themselves or others, thoughtfully withholding validation can discourage harmful behavior while still acknowledging the person’s worth and humanity.
In contrast, chronic invalidation is not a pro-social act; it is a form of emotional abuse. It involves repeatedly dismissing, criticizing, or punishing someone’s thoughts, feelings, or behaviors, even when those responses are normal or positive. This persistent invalidation creates a state of emotional imbalance and mental confusion. Over time, the chronically invalidated person enters an ongoing state of emotional disequilibrium and mental confusion. Their innate inner guide quiets its wisdom and shame begins to offer the safest-feeling comfort to survive how they are treated.
Emotional validation and invalidation shape the way we see ourselves and navigate our relationships. As we saw through Lila’s story, invalidation can look like subtle remarks or well-meaning criticism. Over time, it can deeply erode our confidence and sense of self. While validation is crucial for healthy emotional development, chronic invalidation causes self-doubt, self-blame, trouble identifying our own emotions, over-reliance on others, difficulty making decisions, and other ill effects.
Thankfully, this is not the end of the story. Understanding what it means to have a chronically invalidating relationship and how it affects us is the first step toward reclaiming our inner voice and sense of worth. In the next post, we’ll dive deeper into the psychology of emotional invalidation. We will explore where it comes from, why people engage in it, and how it becomes a pattern in our lives. Stay tuned to future posts as we learn more about Lila and continue to unravel this important topic.
Important Note: The information shared here is for educational purposes and is not intended to replace professional mental health advice, diagnosis, or treatment. If you’re facing challenges with your mental health, please reach out to us or another a licensed mental health professional who can support you. The stories in our posts are fictional and created to help explain important concepts. They are not based on client cases. Protecting the privacy and dignity of those we work with is central to our practice, and we do not use client experiences in our content.
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