Liam met Maeve at a work event, and they instantly connected. She shared his interests, showered him with attention, and made him feel special—he thought he'd found the perfect partner. But after a few weeks, Maeve’s usual compliments shifted to occasional criticisms.
She expressed annoyance when Liam spent time with his friend Tom, saying, “He’s immature and makes me uncomfortable. Why would you keep someone like that around?” She also criticized his spending: “How can we plan for our future if you’re constantly wasting money?” Her remarks seemed valid, and Liam began to wonder if his life wasn’t “together” enough to deserve Maeve. From her stories, Liam knew Maeve's ex hadn't treated her well and Liam was determined to be different. With every criticism, Liam worked harder to meet her expectations.
Hoping to express his gratitude and strengthen their bond, Liam posted about Maeve on social media, praising her patience. For a week, Maeve was warm and easygoing again. But soon, her criticisms returned. Worried she might leave, Liam shared another post, highlighting a thoughtful gift she’d given him early on. This seemed to work temporarily, as Maeve returned to her affectionate self—for a while.
Believing that showing more appreciation was key, Liam began regularly posting about Maeve and complimenting her to friends and family. Yet the periods of harmony grew shorter, and her criticisms escalated into heated arguments. Liam found himself walking on eggshells, trying to avoid upsetting her and losing sleep over how to “make it up to her.” When Maeve was angry, she’d either ignore him or send texts filled with accusations. Any attempt to express his hurt was met with blame-shifting and a growing list of his supposed flaws.
One afternoon, Liam joined friends for lunch after months of avoiding them. While they ate, he anxiously responded to heated texts from Maeve, who disapproved of how he was spending his time even though he had avoided inviting Tom. “Sometimes I wonder if I am dating a narcissist,” he admitted to his friends.
“Dude, you’re always raving about her on Instagram. She seems amazing—no one’s perfect all the time,” one friend replied. Liam nodded, withdrawing his concern and sinking into shame, questioning himself once again. He thought about sharing more to justify his statement but decided against it. He didn’t want them to dislike Maeve or to encourage him to leave. He wanted things to work out. He wasn’t sure what he needed.
Let's Talk About Antagonistic Relationships....
Antagonistic relationships are marked by negativity, conflict, and power struggles. These dynamics can arise from unresolved trauma, incompatible personalities, or a focus on control over collaboration. In Liam’s case, Maeve’s behavior reflected a conflict-seeking personality, which often aligns with antagonistic traits or, in some cases, untreated personality disorders. Not every antagonistic person is a narcissist. Narcissistic personality types and Narcissistic Personality Disorder (NPD) are among numerous personality structures that embody antagonism.
While everyone can be petty at times, someone with an antagonistic personality engages in recurring cycles of manipulation and control. These cycles, interspersed with kindness or love bombing, harm the relationship and erode the victim’s self-esteem.
Patterns vs. "Red Flags"
Many self-help resources focus on identifying “red flags,” but toxic relationships rarely begin with overt abuse. The harmful behavior often starts subtly, making it difficult for victims to recognize patterns. For instance:
They relate what you say to themselves: This “red flag” is based on the “self-referential” tendency of narcissists to ensure that they do not give more energy and attention to a conversation than what they receive from it. However, it can also be normal for someone to do this. For example, neurodivergent types do this to show empathy, express interest, and to feel more confident in what they share.
They talk to exes: This "red flag" is based on the "hoovering" tendency of narcissistic people to maintain a sense of still having access even to people who no longer want relationships with them. However, it can also be normal for someone to still speak to an ex. Some do this to co-parent or to avoid losing social circles.
They make false promises: This "red flag" is based on the "future faking" tendency of narcissists that allows them to appear invested in a relationship without having to put in adequate effort. However, it can also be normal for promises to be unkept due to unforeseen circumstances.
Other factors come into play as well. Antagonistic personality styles often gravitate toward open, empathetic, flexible, and agreeable partners. These qualities, while admirable, can make it easier for antagonistic individuals to sustain unfavorable behavior for longer periods without consequence. Much of the drama they create relies on plausible deniability, where their actions can seem ambiguous or justifiable, making it nearly impossible to pinpoint their true motives in the moment. This uncertainty is compounded by the memory of how they behaved early in the relationship. Victim partners often cling to the belief that the initial warmth and kindness were authentic, blaming themselves for their partner’s shift in behavior and striving to restore the harmony they once experienced.
Hindsight and Healing
Patterns, not individual moments, define toxicity. Liam noticed that the posts brought periods of calm and used sound logic to determine that appreciation was the solution. Through hindsight and a trained eye, a therapist might see that Maeve's personality style tends to feel increasingly vulnerable as a relationship becomes increasingly intimate. She may use negativity and criticism towards a partner to distract from her own insecurities. This may explain why Liam's appreciation worked—by offering her an alternative refuge from her insecurities. However, the positive impact of the appreciation was temporary because no person can be responsible for the self-esteem work that their partner must undertake to be healthy. To add more complexity to the story, Liam's social media posts, though intended to show appreciation, inadvertently hid his struggles from others, isolating him further.
"Red Flags" and Self-Blame
Telling Liam “here are red flags to avoid for next time” aligns with the thinking victims often develop as a result of surviving emotional abuse - the abuse is my fault and I can and should have prevented it. In reality, this is an unfair expectation for anyone. Confusion and self-doubt are key parts of toxic relationships. Victims are not at fault for not recognizing patterns or not recognizing them sooner. Liam's story reminds us that it is easy to doubt ourselves when faced with complex and emotionally-laden human dynamics.
If readers take away any message from this post, let it be that no one is immune from being drawn into a toxic cycle. If you have ever found yourself questioning your instincts, your worth, or your own values in a relationship, you are not alone and it is not your fault. In future posts, we'll delve into topics like surviving toxic relationships (not everyone can or wants to leave and this is valid) and healing from narcissistic abuse trauma. Together, we'll discuss trusting ourselves again and taking steps towards healthier connections. Please remember that you deserve relationships that nurture your well-being, not undermine it.
Important Note: The information shared here is for educational purposes and is not intended to replace professional mental health advice, diagnosis, or treatment. If you’re facing challenges with your mental health, please reach out to us or another a licensed mental health professional who can support you. The stories in our posts are fictional and created to help explain important concepts. They are not based on client cases. Protecting the privacy and dignity of those we work with is central to our practice, and we do not use client experiences in our content.
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