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The tragic story of Vicky White and Casey White is rapidly gaining traction in the hearts and minds of the public. Featured in the Netflix documentary Jailbreak: Love on the run and fictionalized by the movie Bad Romance, this relationship has been hailed by the media as a "love story." As I watched Jailbreak, a lump formed in my throat as I couldn't keep myself from forming my own hypothesis about their connection. What I witnessed was inconsistent with what I know to be "love." Love does not desire to alienate and endanger another person in the name of possessing them and consuming them. During Domestic Violence Prevention Month, it is more vital now than ever to remove the romantic lens from these stories and discuss the psychological factors that can fuel harmful relationships. Let's talk about limerence.
I want to clarify that I can't diagnose someone outside of a clinical setting and without consent. My commentary on Vicky and Casey will not assess their mental health. Instead, I explain what limerence is and leave it up to TV viewers to use limerence as an alternative lens to love to think about stories like these. Lastly, I acknowledge the glaring issues of consent within the story and offer a content warning to sensitive viewers. Within the documentary, viewers will observe manipulative words and behavior on the part of Casey White. We cannot ignore the prevalence of gender-based violence in the United States which disproportionately impacts women. In the United States, 1 in 4 women experience sexual coercion of some form in their lifetime.
An additional warning, we cannot ignore the ongoing abuses within United States prison systems - including those directly observable within the documentary. Florida's prison system is challenged with overcrowding, having one of the highest per-capita incarceration rates in the world. Viewers will also observe Vicky White, a prison official, engage in a romantic and sexual relationship with an inmate. Sexual contact with inmates is considered rape under United States law (Prison Rape Elimination Act - PREA) and a human rights violation by the United Nations and more than seven other major international human rights frameworks.
What is love?
There are core themes that underlie all definitions of love as a deep bond that is defined by care, affection, a meaningful connection, and a commitment to the wellbeing of another person. One thing I tell my clients is that to be "in love" this kind of bond must go in all directions. An authentic, healthy love means both partners have each other's best interest at heart. It also means both partners desire for the other to have their own best interests at heart. I don't see evidence of this in Jailbreak. Although it may seem like love and romance to have a partner willing to help you escape prison, a partner who loves you back would not ask this of you.
Limerence, on the other hand, is an emotional bond that encompasses a better known concept, infatuation. The term was coined in 1979 by clinical psychologist, Dr. Dorothy Tennov in her book "Love and Limerence: the Experience of Being in Love." Limerence can sometimes lead to authentic love, but it is not love. It tends to be driven by desire and fulfillment to the detriment of one or both people, particularly in ways that make a long term committed relationship unsustainable. Let's discuss some main features of limerence.
Obsessive Thinking
A limerent person has difficulty limiting or controlling their fantasies about the object of their limerence (LO). Someone with limerence may have trouble focusing on work, friendships, and hobbies because it feels intoxicating to instead recall interactions with the LO or fantasize about future interactions. The thoughts feel welcomed and pleasant; however, in reality, the thoughts and images are typically intrusive and involuntary.
Desiring Reciprocity
A limerent person strongly desires their LO to feel and think the same ways about them. They may look for ways to interact with the LO, to spark the LO's interest, and overvalue the attention they do receive as requited love. When the LO does not reciprocate, the limerent person can become emotionally distressed and find relief in any attention from the LO - including the smallest emotional breadcrumbs or even problematic behavior.
Emotional Dependency
This monitoring for whether or not affection is being returned by the LO can put a limerent person on a rollercoaster of mood shifts with extreme highs and lows. If the LO is doing well, the limerent person is doing well. If the LO becomes angry and nasty, the limerent person becomes angry and nasty.
Idealization
A limerent person tends to idealize the LO. They are not able to look at the full holistic picture of the LO and weigh their good and bad qualities in a realistic way. The limerent person can't think meaningfully about whether they and the LO are compatible with one another. We may see euphoric recall here - a tendency to focus on thrilling initial memories of a relationship to define who the LO is no matter how badly they begin to behave thereafter.
Physical Symptoms
Limerence is not a sustainable emotional state. It acts within the body similarly to addiction and in fact is one way that limerence can overlap with love addiction. Someone with limerence can experience a range of body responses along with their rollercoaster of emotions. These include a racing heartbeat, panicked breathing, feeling on edge, or even euphoric and exhilarated.
Unsustainability
Limerence that does not shift to love is not sustainable mentally, physically, or emotionally. Additionally, the effect of limerence tends to wear off within about two years.
There is help and hope for limerence. In therapy, we focus on helping limerent folks manage their obsessive thoughts, lean back into their value systems, regulate strong emotions, set and keep healthy boundaries, and address other underlying factors such as a history of attachment trauma, identity challenges, or low self-esteem. Together, we step off of the rollercoaster, and claim the limerent person as someone worthy of having their own best interest at heart and worthy of their own protection. If it is safe to do so, a couple's therapist can help partners shift their limerence to a loving relationship that is based on sustainability rather than thrilling and consuming one another. In polycules, therapeutic intervention is vital in protecting the relationships of any partner experiencing limerence.
Someone who truly loves you would not need you to abandon yourself in order to hold onto them.
Thrilling stories capture our attention. It's important to remain grounded that limerence is not a pleasant experience overall, can be experienced by any of us, and can be dangerous and volatile. A good way to keep ourselves grounded while watching Jailbreak is to ask ourselves "how does this action demonstrate one person having the other's true, ongoing best interest at heart?" at each pivotal moment. I could not find even one. As Dr. Ramani Durvasala frequently says in her YouTube videos, the best relationships start off slow and might even be a little bit boring. I have no way of truly knowing if Vicky or Casey were limerent each for the other. However, I can promise you as a therapist who has my clients' best interest at heart - I saw nothing in this documentary that I would want anyone I care about to experience in a romantic relationship.
A note from Therapy Center for Transformative Growth: thanks for reading our blog post on limerence and Jailbreak. If you are concerned that you might be experiencing domestic violence, please contact the domestic violence hotline. If you're struggling with other challenges like relationship OCD, hot and cold relationships, antagonistic relational stress, recovery from narcissistic abuse, limerence, or the effects of attachment trauma - we can help. We have several therapists who specialize in these issues - including as they occur within teenaged and adult people - or we can refer you to a therapist who can help. Please reach out.
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