Romantic partners, Aspen and Chris, recently moved in together. Shortly after, Aspen noticed that Chris would leave household tasks unfinished and rarely initiate them without being asked. Wanting to share responsibilities, Aspen tried to set boundaries. For instance, when Chris let his dirty dishes pile up for weeks, Aspen left them for Chris to clean. But when no clean dishes were left, or mold began to grow, Aspen would inevitably wash them. Similarly, Aspen avoided doing Chris’s laundry until his angry outbursts each morning over not having clean clothes caused Aspen significant anxiety. Aspen tried to hold Chris accountable for paying his share of the bills, but after receiving shut-off notices, Aspen ended up covering them to keep the household running.
When Aspen asked Chris to come up with ways to contribute, Chris would either fail to follow through or insist he didn’t know how. Attempts by Aspen to suggest changes often led to defensiveness from Chris, who argued that Aspen’s ideas wouldn’t work for him. Over time, Aspen grew exhausted from the constant conflict and overwhelming responsibility. Still hoping for change, Aspen took on more and more responsibilities to keep the household functioning and maintain peace.
Not Every Imbalanced Relationship is Codependent
At first glance, many would assume that Aspen is “a codependent.” After all, codependency is often defined as an unhealthy, imbalanced relationship (also called “asymmetrical” or “one-sided”) where one partner over-performs to their own detriment. But Aspen’s situation doesn’t quite fit. Traditional codependency involves over-performing to feel useful, worthy, or needed, often stemming from low self-esteem and poor boundaries. In Aspen’s case, their over-performance isn’t motivated by a desire to “rescue” Chris or feel validated—it’s driven by external pressure to keep the household running and avoid harm. Furthermore, Aspen’s attempts to set boundaries didn’t alleviate the imbalance; instead, they worsened their anxiety and stress. It’s not codependency, so what else must we consider?
When it’s not Codependency
Starting with codependency as a hypothesis isn’t a bad idea—it’s the most recognized framework for addressing imbalanced relationships and creates space to hope that both partners are capable of balancing their dynamic with support. However, when key criteria for codependency are missing, we need to consider other imbalanced dynamics. Here are three hints I look for:
The over-performance comes from external pressure, not from internal emotional needs.
Setting boundaries threatens safety or stability rather than alleviating stress.
Emotions are less entangled. The over-performing partner’s emotions are not tied to how their partner is feeling. Rather, they are a reaction to the stress from specific issues or situations.
When these elements are present, it’s important to explore other explanations for the relationship dynamics.
Dynamic 1: Anxiety and Partner-Focused Obsessive Compulsive Disorder (ROCD)
Similar to how a codependent partner might step in and overperform to feel fulfilled or worthy in their relationship, a partner with high relationship anxiety or ROCD may overperform to prevent imagined bad outcomes. It's important to note that the "bad things" the anxious partner fears are either unlikely to happen or unlikely to occur with the severity they imagine. For instance, someone with ROCD might have intrusive thoughts like, "If you seem lazy, your partner will leave. Most other partners out there do way more than you." This can lead to compulsions that resemble overperformance—doing things, buying things, or paying for things their partner hasn’t asked for—because these actions temporarily alleviate the intrusive thoughts and intense anxiety. An ROCD specialist can help someone who overperforms as a compulsion to address their distressing thoughts and compulsive behavior and help their partner support them rather than accomodate the compulsions.
Aspen, on the other hand, is stepping in due to realistic threats that genuinely arise when they don’t take action. This suggests a different relationship dynamic. Let’s explore other considerations.
Dynamic 2: Instrumental Dependency
Instrumental dependency, occurs when one partner cannot—or believes they cannot—manage certain tasks. The other partner is a reluctant accommodator. In this case, Aspen’s over-performance might stem from necessity rather than choice. Setting firm boundaries could lead to serious consequences: an unsanitary kitchen, Chris losing his job due to morning delay and tardiness, or eviction due to unpaid bills. Therapy could help Chris build skills for collaboration and interdependence while guiding Aspen to provide encouragement, assistance, and gradual boundaries in ways that preserve their own safety, identity, energy, and stability.
I would also encourage individuals and couples in this relationship dynamic to consider specialist support for help identifying the root of the instrumental dependency and learning how to address it.
OCD: if the under-performing partner’s avoidance is rooted in Obsessive Compulsive Disorder (OCD), an OCD specialist might work to reduce one partner’s compulsions while guiding the other partner away from unhelpful accommodation patterns (learn more about accommodation of OCD or “FA” here).
Trauma: if a partner’s avoidance is a trauma response, such as learned helplessness, a trauma-informed therapist can help a couple address the root causes of the learned helplessness and its impact on the relationship.
ADHD: if a partner’s avoidance is rooted in Attention-Deficit Hyperactivity Disorder (ADHD), a neurodiversity specialist can help a couple address skill needs, unique information processing needs, and relationship dynamics to foster sustainable change.
Disability/Illness: if a partner’s avoidance is rooted in a disability or chronic illness, a therapist who specializes in chronic conditions would focus on the specific needs of both partners in managing the emotional, practical, and relational aspects of living with chronic illness, highlighting the strengths and contributions of both individuals.
Dynamic 3: Emotional Abuse and Exploitation
If this second approach to the relationship does not fit, we lastly have to consider narcisstic abuse or another form of emotional exploitation. Aspen’s story has concerning elements such as their fear of Chris’s hostile emotions over laundry. Likewise, it is unclear if Chris is willing to problem-solve at all or avoids problem-solving because the dynamic of having his chores done and his bills paid for him is something he desires and feels entitled to. In the case of emotional abuse, one partner may over-perform to avoid harm from the other partner. This includes emotional or psychological injury or harm to their body, career, loved ones/pets/children, relationship, finances, reputation, or belongings.
In some extreme cases, abusers become dependent on victims to trap them in the relationship while making it appear that the victim holds all of the power. When a victim is made to believe that breaking up means they have to make their partner homeless or without resources, they are unlikely to do so. When a victim provides the most fundamental aspects of their perpetrator’s livelihood, even keen observers miss that that the victim still does not hold any real power to be safe or autonomous in the relationship. In fact, the victim may be mistaken for the abuser instead.
Treating couples with a relationship imbalanced by abuse through a traditional codependency lens risks invalidating trauma, missing coercive dynamics, and escalating safety concerns (e.g. through over-emphasis on boundary setting as a solution). A therapist will want to carefully assess if therapy as a couple is safe or if individual therapy is more appropriate. Trauma/abuse-informed therapy will help protect the victim partner and restore their agency and hold the perpetrator partner accountable without escalating harm. Regardless of specialty, it is a best practice for therapists to know common warnings signs of domestic violence while conducting work of any kind with their clients.
Final Thoughts: Hope for Folks in Imbalanced Relationships (or who are healing from them)
Many folks are told they are codependent only to feel hopeless and helpless when traditional therapeutic and self-help strategies for codependency fail. This is why it is so important for professionals working with imbalanced relationships to critically analyze each case on an individual basis. I do so considering three components:
Intentions and motivations: What drives each partner’s actions?
Practical consequences: What happens if boundaries are set or unmet needs are ignored?
Structural dynamics: Are there power imbalances or dependency patterns at play? Are there any that are hidden or not what they seem on the surface?
Relationships are complex, and it’s entirely possible for one imbalanced relationship to struggle with codependency and one or more of the other dynamics described in this post. However, there is hope. For anyone struggling in an imbalanced relationship of any kind (or of multiple kinds at once), know that that there is help that can deeply understand and see you for your experience. There is support that will make a difference when you are truly heard. Don’t give up until you find the help you need. You are worthy of reclaiming your autonomy, finding balance, and embracing the joy and spontaneity life has to offer.
Important Note: The information shared here is for educational purposes and is not intended to replace professional mental health advice, diagnosis, or treatment. If you’re facing challenges with your mental health, please reach out to us or another a licensed mental health professional who can support you. The stories in our posts are fictional and created to help explain important concepts. They are not based on client cases. Protecting the privacy and dignity of those we work with is central to our practice, and we do not use client experiences in our content.
Comentários